Different Place

Warning: This post contains lots of rambling and unorganized thoughts. Brace yourself.

It's obvious that I'm not friends with those who are similar in age to me. I'm okay with that, although sometimes it's lonely around here in Denton with no friends. I get along fine with people my age; I just haven't found any close friendships around here. I've been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my life.

I'm going to school and working on a degree towards elementary education. I feel that I should be in a different stage in my life. Many always say that I need to enjoy my life right now. It's supposably the best years of my life and I'll never have it again. I don't agree with that. Although I'm only 20, sometimes I feel that I'm much older. I should be past these college days; married with children. I'm not saying that I should be married at 20...I'm saying that I feel like I'm an older (don't know how much older) person trapped in a 20 year old's body. I've helped care for many children in my lifetime and I have the feeling that I've had my own children for so long. The vast differences of each child has given me a great aspect of what being a mother might be like because often times I am doing things that a mother might do. I've cared for some from birth, some from a toddler age, and many in elementary.

Every time I care for a child, the motherly nature of me kicks in and that's when I feel like I need to be a mother. Yes, I have plenty of time to acheive this goal of mine, but what if it never happens? What if nobody wants to marry me? What if I am incapable of having children? What would I do? My dream would be crushed.

Even though I don't have children under my care 24/7, I've had a taste of having children. Many may feel the stress of having multiple children, such as giving baths, feeding them and managing house hold duties. These things don't phase me. I think I can handle that. I won't ever really know until I'm in the situation, but I really think it wouldn't be that bad. Yes, kids can drive you mad sometimes...but every day and even every hour is a whole new one.

I read several blogs of mothers. Some are new mothers, some have several children; all have great advice. I take all their advice to heart and often I give advice to new mothers. Is that odd? I envy their lives. Hopefully by the time I am a mother, everything will be so natural because I've been doing this for so long.

I want to be a teacher, but I want to be a mother even more, though, I must wait...and wait.