Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again.

This nursery rhyme was mentioned in church this morning in a very interesting way. At the end of the poem, Dr. Jeff said "But the KING can!" He said a lot of other really good things today in his sermon called "Be Meek, not Weak", in his series about the beatitudes, but this really made me think. It's so true! I said the poem over and over in my head. I found it to be appropriate, that when we fall, no matter how hard friends or even Godly men and women try, they can't put me together again. Only God can. This has been something I've been struggling with a lot over the last few years. I tend to try and rely on people to fix my problems instead of turning to God. A few years ago I noticed that when I turned to God, I felt better and I could resist temptation much easier. I was baptized 3 years ago and with that I made the promise to rely on God, but I didn't follow through with my promise. Although I know if I just do that again, things will get better, yet I don't. I still am so stubborn that I want to try and fix things myself.

Part of the problem is that I feel like I'm going to fail because I don't know how to turn to God anymore. Prayer and daily devotion has never been in my routine and I really wish it was. Most of the time I feel like a hypocrite because when others are having struggles I tell them to turn to God, yet I don't. I wanted to write this post because most of my entries make me seem like I am always turning to God with my problems. But that's simply not the case. It's so rare, that when it does happen, I write about it so I can continue to put on a facade. I continue to fail in that aspect of my life. There are so many things I struggle with that very few people know about and I wish I could just be open about it. I don't want to be putting on a mask anymore. I want it to be real. I want to actually rely on God for everything.

At the end of the sermon we sang one of my favorite songs. We don't normally sing hymns there, so when we do I really like it.

You are my strength when I am weak//You are the treasure that I seek/You are my all in all//Seeking You as a precious jewel/Lord to give up I'd be a fool//You are my all in all//Jesus Lamb of God - worthy is Your name//Jesus, Lamb of God - worthy is Your name//Taking my sin, my cross, my shame/Rising again, I bless Your name/You are my all in all//When I fall down, You pick me up/When I am dry You fill my cup/You are my all in all.

That line "Lord to give up, I'd be a fool" caught my eye today as I was singing. I would be a fool to give up. I want to do it all the time and I've beaten a good friend to the pulp telling her that I just want to give up. I need to stop.

Lastly, this has been my favorite song lately. Natalie Grant/The Real Me.